In this autobiography from one of the greatest mystics in the Catholic Church, Saint Margaret Mary discloses the intimate conversations she had with Our Lord. Taken from her autobiography, the saint reveals the Lord’s words in choosing her as His spouse, the temptations she faced before entering religious life, and her resolution to enter the religious life.
Our Lord Approaches Her
I was also naturally drawn to the love of pleasure and amusement, but I no longer enjoyed them, although I sought them eagerly. The painful sight of my Saviour after the scourging hindered me from delighting in them, and the following words, with which He proached me, pierced me to the heart: “Wouldst thou take this pleasure, whereas I never had any and delivered Myself up to every kind of bitterness for love of thee and to win thy heart? Nevertheless, thou wouldst still dispute it with Me.” This made a deep impression on me, but I sincerely acknowledge that I understood nothing of all this, so great was my ignorance, and so little was I versed in spiritual things, and if I did any good, it was simply because He urged me so powerfully thereto that I was unable to resist. I am covered with confusion as I write all this, and I would wish it to be known how deserving I am of the most rigorous eternal chastisement on account of my continual resistance to God and my opposition to His grace. I would wish also to make known the greatness of His mercies, for it seemed as though He had undertaken constantly to pursue me and oppose His goodness to my malice, and His love to my ingratitude. The thought of my not having known how to recognize my Sovereign Redeemer, Who from my infancy had ever taken such loving care of me, has been a cause of grief to me all my life.
Chosen As The Spouse Of Our Lord
When I was overwhelmed with amazement on seeing that He was not repulsed by so many falls and infidelities which I beheld in myself, gave me this answer: “It is because I desire to make of thee, as it were, a compound of My Love and of My Mercy.” On another occasion He said to me: “I have chosen thee to be My spouse, and we pledged each other fidelity when thou didst make thy vow of Chastity. It was I Who urged thee to make it, before the world had any share in thy heart, because I wished to have it quite pure and unsullied by any worldly affections; and in order to preserve it thus, I removed all malice from thy will so that it should not be corrupted.
The Temptations Of Satan
She reproved me, however, severely when she saw me about to give way to the terrible struggle that I felt within me. For, being no longer able to resist the solicitations of my family and the tears of my mother, whom I loved so tenderly, and who kept telling me that a girl ought to marry at the age of twenty, I began to fall in with her views. Satan, too, said to me continually: “Poor wretch, what do you mean by wishing to be a nun? You will become the laughing stock of the world, for you will never be able to persevere, and how ashamed you will be, when you put off the religious habit and leave the convent! Where will you then go to hide yourself?” Amidst all this I shed bitter tears, for owing to the great distaste I had for marriage, I knew not what to do, till at last my Divine Master, who always kept my vow before my eyes, had pity on me.
Our Lord Restores Her Peace
One day after Communion He showed me, if I am not mistaken, that He was the most beautiful, the wealthiest, the most powerful, the most perfect and the most accomplished amongst all lovers. After having pledged my self to Him for so many years, how came it, said He, that I now sought to break with Him for another? “Oh! be assured that, if thou dost Me this wrong, I will abandon thee forever; but, if thou remainest faithful to Me, I will never leave thee, I Myself will be thy victory over all thy enemies. I pardon thy ignorance because, as yet, thou dost not know Me; but, if thou art faithful to Me and followest Me, I will teach thee to know Me, and I will manifest Myself to thee.” While He was thus speaking, He spread such great calm over my interior and filled my soul with such deep peace, that I resolved henceforth to die rather than to change. It then seemed to me that my bonds were broken, and that I had nothing more to fear, for I thought that, if the religious life were (a purgatory), it would be easier for me to purify myself therein during the remainder of my life, than to see myself cast into that hell which I had so often merited by my grievous sins and resistance.
Decides To Be A Religious
Having thus decided for the religious life, the Divine Spouse of my soul, fearing lest I should again escape Him, asked me whether, considering my weakness, I would agree to His taking possession and making Himself Master of my liberty. I willingly consented, and from that time forth He took such firm hold of my liberty that I never more enjoyed the use of it. From that moment He penetrated so gently and deeply into my heart that I renewed my vow, which I now began to understand. I told Him that, if it were to cost me a thousand lives, I would never be anything but a religious; this I now openly declared, asking that all suitors should be dismissed, no matter in how advantageous a light they were represented to me. Seeing me so resolute, my mother shed no more tears in my presence, but she did so continually with all who spoke to her of it; and they did not fail afterwards to tell me that, as she had no one to attend her, I should be the cause of her death if I left her, and that I should have to answer for it before God, adding that I could be a religious just as well after her death as during her lifetime. One of my brothers, who had a special affection for me, made every effort to turn me from my purpose, offering to assist me with his own means to a better settlement in the world. But my heart had become as insensible as a rock to all this, although I had to remain three years longer in the world.
ooo
This article is taken from a chapter in The Autobiography of Saint Margaret Mary by Saint Margaret Mary which is available from TAN Books.
